10 Jun
Posted by: lonkieffer in: Generational Conflict, Workplace Culture Change
In the immortal words of LL Cool J, “Mama said Knock you out!”
The lyrics of this rap make LL Cool J sound like a tough guy! But one of the lines tells the truth; “Old English filled my mind and I came up with a funky rhyme.” The Old English is reference to a 22-oz Malt Liquor and the funky rhyme is the vehicle he used to try and project a tough persona.
Is this how you are confronting issues?
Do you get yourself all worked up and then spout off?
Or even better; do you send a well written yet emotionally laced email to set things straight?
Believe me; no one is sitting around waiting to read your email just so they can print it, share it and say, “Thank God Lon sent that email. It really changed things around here!”
This is the confrontational equivalent of the classic sitcom bit about the guy on the beach who jumps up to defend his turf saying, “you better hold me back!” as he wraps his girlfriend’s arm around himself so she can “hold him back!”
This is something I call “Confrontational Avoidance” where we satisfy ourselves that we “took care of the situation” when, in fact, we did nothing of the sort.
Ask yourself this question; “are you confronting the other person for THEIR own good, or for YOUR own good?”
If it’s about you, and your emotions are involved, a satisfactory conclusion is dicey; if it’s about them, you have a shot at a resolution because you are less likely to handle things with an emotional intoxication that is the equivalent of a bottle of OE22.
Coincidentally, Old English, ergo OE, could also stand for Overly Emotional.
Getting all worked up and jumping all over someone is actually avoidance behavior not confrontational behavior.
This behavior builds and strengthens walls and barriers; it does not bring people together. True purposeful confrontation is intended to help both parties.
It is best if the person taking the action is being selfless; trying to help the other party and/or the overall relationship.
Always keep the other person’s best interests in mind when you are confronting a situation and you will derive benefit from the interaction. So long as you don’t get Overly Emotional there will be no need to “hold yourself back.”
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Lon Kieffer, author of “Get Out of Bed and Go to Work!”, Speaker, Consultant, Executive Recruiter and Expert on Workplace Culture Change and Generational Conflicts, gives seminars, keynote and plenary addresses, runs annual sales meetings, and provides Common Sense Consulting at: www.LonKieffer.com. He can be reached at: (302) 462-6748 or via email at: Lon@LonKieffer.com
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2 Responses
D.S. (regular GOOBER)
11|Jun|2009 1This comment was shared via email and reposted here for discussion:
Good Humpday/Dumpday discussion. Lots of times just want to smack someone instead of resolving an issue. I often feel ill equip to deal with difficult people, so feel helpless and upset. Guess it is backing up and resolving my own stuff first and then setting out with a healthy (or healthier) intention. Thanks. D
My response:
D, Thanks for the feedback; feel free to post in the comments (or here is great). Candidly, this article was a cop-out; I wanted to make it into an e-Ha! Moment but procrastinated too long and just did it as a blog. The initial inspiraton was an incident with my mother and her mechanic. She told me she was not going to use him anymore; she was upset with some work he “did not” do and she was going to set things straight on her way out the proverbial door. I asked her why she would bother to confront if her decision was to avoid? You have to pick your battles and why fight a battle that is already over? In reality, he “did not” do the work because she is always sharing her concerns regarding the need for frugality and thus, he “did not” do anything other than ensure her car was safe and reliable. In my opinion, she shared in this failed relationship and should not close the door; but she should also not confront if the intent is to avoid. The real key, IMO, is having people close that know you and that you respect to share a perspective. I see these things clearly for my mom and others I love and respect. Not so much with my own issues!!!
Thanks for the discussion!
Joe J
24|Jun|2009 2…but, Lon, sometimes a “dope-slap” up the side of the head is so much more satisfying. Seriously, good article…good lesson.